Before we became parents the concept of “Mental Load” was largely theoretical as both of us were easily able to manage the everyday logistics of our own lives. With children coming into the equation everything suddenly becomes a juggling exercise - at least that was our experience.
I’ve read in several publications that the mental load or, to use a different wording, the organisation of everyday logistics is often predominantly done by women/mothers.
We try to share all tasks as evenly as possible. We both work approximately the same amount of time. We both earn similar wages. We share costs on a 50:50 basis. We both took the exact same amount of parental leave. However, the logistics of everyday life have, without even trying to aim for that, drifted more towards my wife.
How do you go about sharing this task? What kind of technical/IT solutions do you use to remain on the same page? Is it even necessary to share this task or are there others ways to “specialise” in certain areas of being a parent?
I am not qualified to speak on this in any way, but here my 2 cents:
I really like your relationship dynamic, and how you try to do everything 50/50. But keep in kind, this is not a contract. You don’t have to do anything in particular so long as you’re both happy.
What I’m getting at is that if your partner hasn’t mentioned being dissatisfied, then by attempting to solve a non-issue you could potentially create one.
On the other hand, from your perspective, if you want to feel like you’re doing more, then just do that. It doesnt have to be planned or signficant or anything at all really. It can be as simple as opening the door for them or taking out the trash or handwashing their car. Any time you have free time and want to help out more, just find something to do. If they’ve already done the housework, maybe that was their decision. Maybe they wanted to do that to make things easier on you. It’s good to appreciate that, but it oeaves you with seemingly nothing to do in return. But housework isnt the only thing you can do to show appreciation. Give them a massage, get them a gift, secretely handle one of their responsibilities. Whatever you do, do not handle this as a bargain unless thats the relationship you two have. Ultimatums (this is my responsibility, that is yours, if you dont do yours i wont do mine) are always bad, and its not like youre doing this so they owe you. Presumably they feel the same way.