I feel more drawn to almost anything except the books which teacher recommends me and every time, I rely on AI to summarize things for me and it is affecting me badly but I just cannot make myself read those books. Anything that feels necessary to me lose its importance in my sight and I try to avoid those things. Back in the days, I was doing undergrad with a different major but I did not get it and wanted to go to my current major. And now when I am in my current major (CS major, previously doing Electronics Engineering), I have lost interest in that field too. I have many books downloaded to read and many quizzes and exams to attempt but thing is I just don’t feel attracted to those books. Those books feel dry to me and boring as well.
Well, I think that too but mental illness is considered an insult where I live. Once I was all alone and not being with my parents, my mom went super angry and yelled at me which could be translated in English as fuck off you sick brain, depression patient. It is considered as something spiritual and you cannot express that. Even being attracted to same gender too is considered a mental illness by my parents and I guess, I would be left undiagnosed and untreated cuz even if I made them agree, the therapies are expensive and most of the time the psychiatrists and therapists will just say “read the scripture, do your prayers, marry” like wtf, why am I paying you? This shit is eating me up and it feels like I am being destined to ruin my life. I try to make myself believe that life is good and I am fine but there is something in me that screams no, you are not fine, world is shit, you are shit too. Sometimes I wanna end myself but I cannot cuz if I fail, I can also end up in jail.
Ah. You’re in a country where religion is king.
Become a monk.
they won’t let me be.
Who are they to defy the will of their god?
For all you know… for all I know, these words I’m writing and that you’re about to read are the word of that god, through me, through the Internet and to you.
That’s the funny thing about gods. There’s never any way to know for sure.
Alternatively, you can stare at your books until you learn something or you go insane. Your choice.
Yeah