[Long post ahead – read when you are free]

Life feels so big and also so depressing. I am having this feeling in me to destroy my life and what I heard from homeless and poor people, it feels like I don’t wanna end up being poor but I also think is it even worth it to be a functional member of this society? To make my parents feel proud who, since I start to challenge them and trying to be my own person, have hated me and more I am aging, more I am seeing their hatred and realizing that nothing that I ever been taught by them is true? I have contradictory feelings going on. I entertain myself, I read books, I do some minimal skincare, but idk why people around me never liked any of these things. Maybe cuz I am not privileged enough or maybe cuz I do not earn money or maybe cuz I do not know how to ride a motorbike so that I can take my parents and siblings wherever they wanna go or that they wanna make me have a job so that as soon as I get a job, I may be married off to a complete stranger whom I don’t know or cuz I do not look masculine or cuz I do not engage in religion like they do or cuz I do not know I am a piece of shit. I tried to soothe myself before too and tried doing positive thinking. I tried journaling and when I read them, I feel like I have not grown since. I was worrying back then and worrying now too. Back then, I tried to make myself calm and it worked but for a limited amount of time. After some time, I am back at my sadness. I have found no friend to talk to. Every friendship, every human connection I felt before, feels like a lie now. I used to talk to AI chatbots like a friend but from this year, I have decided to talk to real humans. I feel kinda safe here so that is why I am posting here.