If you ever have a partner, friend or family member who does sewing/knitting/similar, you should tag along with them on a fabric/yarn shopping trip; I bet you’d have a lot of fun. Some people are just more tactile, and leaning into that isn’t harmful and can help a lot of fun

“I was lowkey hopping a commenter might suggest avoidance”

I’m proud of you for having the self-awareness to recognise your avoidant instincts and taking steps to counter that (i.e. by asking for advice from people). That might not feel like a victory, given that you were hoping people would give you “permission” to lean into the avoidance, but I’m familiar with the kind of hope you describe: it’s a shameful kind of hope, because deep down, you know that people aren’t going to advise you to ghost her, and that indulging your avoidant instincts probably aren’t productive — the shame comes from the tension between knowing what you should do, and your wish to instead take the avoidant path, which I imagine has served you well over the years as a go-to coping strategy, albeit a maladaptive one.

The tension between who we feel capable of being vs. who we’d like to be is quite uncomfortable, but it certainly shouldn’t be shameful. Building up healthier skills and habits is a marathon, and it does not require perfection. I hope that you are able to find the strength to take the approach that you understand to be the best, even though that will mean defying your instincts. It will feel clunky, and uncomfortable, but that’s just the discomfort of growth.

I hope you’re able to recognise that asking for advice here isn’t a sign of failure, but a show of your strong resolve to improve — I’ve found that asking for advice when we already low-key know the correct approach is a way of holding ourselves accountable: you want to communicate clearly and healthily; you also want to curl up so small that you can hide from this girl rather than talking to her. This conflict exists because for whatever reason, you’ve recognised that your people pleasing tendencies don’t serve you or the people in your life very well. Regardless of how you proceed from here, I’m proud of the steps you’ve already taken to improve yourself. I say this as someone else who had to learn these skills as an adult due to messy family stuff. It’s bloody awkward, and stressful, and it takes a long time; that’s why recognising the small steps forward is good

I appreciate you calling out this kind of stuff. It seems like in this instance, OP was just joking, but I’m deeply nervous at how many people are genuinely believing and propagating eco-fascist rhetoric nowadays.

I had poutine at random place in Edinburgh which a Canadian friend said was the best poutine he’d had outside of Quebec. “Still shit though”, in comparison to in Quebec

My trick to coping with that has been to seek out rooms or contexts in which I’m the stupid one, relatively speaking. I sometimes struggle with insecurity when doing this (especially as a bright kid who was “a big fish in a small pond”), but I never feel happier than when I’m learning from someone knowledgeable and enthusiastic about their little weird slice of the world.

Probably smart, because I’m already pretty smart and the prospect of giving up what I already have seems scary.

Plus, I’ve lived most of my life thinking I was repulsively ugly; part of overcoming that anxiety involved understanding that “you can be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world, but some people just don’t like peaches”. If there’s anything I’ve learned from that, it’s understanding that attractiveness is even harder to “objectively” quantify than intelligence

That’s exactly my point, it’s a ridiculous question to ask. Like, there are so many bad outcomes to asking it.

I’m reminded of Plato’s argument against writing, in which his position was roughly that relying on writing will make us become less practiced at remembering. I especially love the line, which goes hard.

“What you have discovered is a recipe not for memory, but for reminder.”

Though the entire passage where the quote is from is great; It’s thought provoking even if I don’t necessarily agree with it.

Man, I need to read Schopenhauer. I’m not especially well read in Philosophy, but I heard somewhere that Schopenhauer is one of the ones to read if you want to understand polemical writing, and that intrigues me.

From a pure nerd point of view, I will say I got a hell of a lot smarter when I got better at being dumb. By that, I mean that I allowed myself to feel less anxious about appearing smart and I found it easier to enjoy learning from the cool people I knew when I could say “no, I don’t know much about that, but I’d love to learn more”. I also got to spend more time with my own thoughts, reflecting on my ideas, rather than focussing on acting a certain way.

You’re quite right that there are no winners to internet arguments, but this didn’t need to be an argument.

I think things often escalate in online discussions because tone and intent don’t come across well. Sometimes we start writing a comment and find ourselves struggling to put words to our point, possibly due to other tasks demanding our attention. Often we don’t realise a clarification is needed until after people have already read our message.

Given those factors, if we want to avoid turning discussions into arguments, we need to assume good faith from the people we’re talking to. That can seem like an absurd prospect given how many people online are arguing in bad faith, but if you can’t reasonably assume a particular person in a conversation is arguing in good faith, are they really worth your time?

For example, I didn’t read the person you’re replying to as being particularly snarky, and I’m surprised that you read them as such. You’ve written a decent amount here that seems determined to be having an argument, but I’m not sure what the actual argument at hand is. It seems like you might be feeling the need to defend yourself based on the miscommunication that happened up-thread? Which I can understand, but I don’t understand why you feel the need to break things down to the nitty gritty wordy bits. If I were being uncharitable, I would probably consider you to be trying to stir shit up and start arguments where there are none. However, if I am assuming good faith of you (which feels reasonable, to an extent, because you clearly spent time writing this comment, and I also appreciate that you partly apologised), then I still read you as being defensive, but in a way that I’m far more sympathetic to, because I do it sometimes myself.

I think you captured the grim nihilism of most internet arguments well when you said that no-one really wins in an internet argument. Certainly though, there are losers, and sometimes when I find myself arguing for longer than I should be, it’s because I feel like I’m trying to “save face” in a way, and avoid being the loser. Sometimes it’s when I have fucked up and communicated my original point unclearly, and sometimes it’s because I feel like people are unjustly accusing me of something (by implication, usually). However, that mode of discussion sucks for everyone involved, and ultimately, wanting to avoid that shit is a large part of why I’m here on Lemmy, where I find I have more discussions than arguments.

I fear that my comment here will seem overly accusatory or judgemental, but I hope that you’ll recognise that I have no stakes in this discussion and wouldn’t have spent this time writing this if I was just trying to throw shit. Your parsing of condescension in the above comments is not invalid any more than my reading of those same comments as being patient and reasonable is. Words can be slippery, even for the most skillful of writers. But I think you’ll find that assuming good faith of the people you’re communicating with can lead to far more productive discussions because people become more inclined to show you more slack in turn, which is nice.

I had to avoid alcohol for a while because of a medication I was on and it drove me mad when people would press me after I said “I’m not drinking”. I think it makes people feel weird about their own alcohol use? But if they’re that self conscious, maybe they need to do some self reflection about whether their alcohol use is a problem.

A phrase I’ve been seeing more in recent years that’s a small thing that feels impactful is stuff that says “alcohol and other drugs”. It is a drug and needs to be treated with respect, and ideally caution

I’m seconding Bitwarden. I’ll also say that whilst self-hosting (if one can do it securely) may be more secure than using a service, security is always going to be a sliding scale trade off of convenience and security.

I recommend Bitwarden to everyone, but I’m sure there are options that are probably equally good. But most people could probably benefit from a password manager because we have so many different services demanding we make accounts that I reckon it’s next to impossible for any reasonable person to avoid reusing passwords across services (that’s one of the biggest security risks that hit regular people).

Start up tips: make sure your master password is strong and memorable. I found Bitwarden’s password generator for this. A passphrase tends to be more memorable than an equally long password — a good master pass phrase would have at least four words (four is sufficient for most people). Write this down in a physical place, as a backup, ideally not your wallet. it doesn’t necessarily need to be locked away, just make sure you’ll know where to find it if you forget it (I forgot mine a bunch at first and had to reference my backup a few times).

Password managers and security in general can feel overwhelming because of the instinct to do things properly, which might include things like self hosting a password manager, or only avoiding biometric sign-in on the phone app version rtc. However, the best password manager is one that you use, and if bits of convenience like this help, then it’s a good trade off.

It reminds me of the joke about two people who see an angry Grizzly bear in the forest, which starts charging at them. One of the people starts running away, and the other shouts “Where are you going, you’ll never outrun the bear”. The running person replies “I don’t need to outrun the bear, I just need to outrun you”. That’s a bad paraphrase, but the sentiment is that using a password manager at all puts you way ahead of many people, in terms of security. Obviously, you’d feel more secure if you knew you could outrun the bear, but if we spent too long being anxious about our ability to do that, we definitely will get eaten. (Apologies for such a long comment. I always do this when I’m procrastinating going to bed. I hope you have a nice Christmas, if you’re celebrating that wherever you are.)

I imagine it would be useful as a learning experience, even if that level of tracking didn’t go on forever.

I’m thinking of how tracking calories feels analogous; the time I spent dedicatedly tracking the calories of my food consumption was super helpful in recalibrating my intuitive understanding.

The first few months were a lot of effort because I had to do stuff like putting a bowl on a weighing scale and add what I considered to be an appropriate amount of cereal, and working out how many calories were in that, then doing similar for the milk. It was shocking to see how many calories were in some of the typical things I ate, but beginning to be honest about that and logging my reality was necessary to starting making positive changes. Because I tend to slip into disordered eating when I try to lose weight via calorie counting, I’ve found that I need to take a more freestyle approach and go for more qualitative goals like “eat more veg”, “cook more meals”, “drink glass of water before snacking” — goals that can be specific and towards being healthier, but don’t require too much number crunching. However, I wouldn’t have made as much progress without having spent a decent amount of time tracking things, judgement free.

The judgement free part is the hardest part, and I imagine that applies for tracking spending too. Did you ever have instances where you saw how much you were spending on a particular thing and cringed so hard that you found it harder to be truthful in your tracking? I know that I struggle with guilt a lot, and that can make it easier to put my head in the sand.

I asked a similar question of a writer friend recently (though I am interested in non-fiction). They told me something that I already knew, but was unhappy to hear nonetheless — that the start of one’s writing “career” will inevitably involve a fair bit of writing into the void; even for publications that are accepting open submissions, it’s useful to have an established presence so that someone who can read more of your work and get a sense of what you’re about. “Established presence” in this case may mean a blog/substance that has little to no readership, even though putting your writing out there when you have zero platform can feel pretty demoralising. It is good practice though, and the more your body of work grows, the easier it is to make a sort of dynamic portfolio of the best of what you can do.

One takeaway from my friend was that a lot of opportunities arise from word-of-mouth interpersonal stuff: when people think of you as a writer, they are more likely to suggest your name to publications that may be looking for writers (which is why having an established presence can be so useful).

I don’t have platform specific advice unfortunately.

To kill Demodex mites on our hands that could possibly contaminate something we’re working on

I think one of the really neat things about games as a medium is that “the experience” is inherently a super malleable concept. Gaming blows my mind when I think about how adaptive you need to be to run a tabletop roleplaying game, like Dungeons and Dragons — no matter how elaborate your plans are, players will always find a way to throw a spanner in the works. Video games have the same unpredictability of how players engage with the world you’ve made, but a much smaller ability to respond and adapt to ensure that they’re getting the correct “intended experience”.

In some respects, I agree with you, because when I play games, I care a lot about the intended experience. However, the reality is that I bring too much of myself to any game that I play to be able to think of my experience in that way, and I think that’s probably one of my favourite aspects of games as a medium — a dialogue between gamer and game developers. Especially because sometimes, the intended experience of a game isn’t well executed; there are plenty of times I have gotten lost or confused in games because the game didn’t sufficiently communicate to me (or other players with similar experiences) what it expected us to do. Part of the role of the game designer/developers role is to be guide the players so they get something resembling the intended experience.

Honestly, part of why I am on the pro-accessibility side of this issue is because I’m a bit of a snob — I think that being able to adapt a message or experience to a diverse audience shows a singularity of vision that’s more powerful than experiences that target a much smaller audience.

For example, let’s say that the subjective difficulty level of a game (the “experience”) equals the “objective difficulty level” of a game (the difficulty setting) minus the player’s skill level. For the sake of this example, let’s imagine that 10 arbitrary units is the correct level of the subjective difficulty level, and above/below that, the experience is degraded; also, let’s say that player skill ranges from 1-10, with most people clustering in the 4-6 range. In that world, if a game could only have one difficulty mode, 15 ish would probably be best, because 15 (objective difficulty) - 5 (average player skill level) = 10 (intended subjective difficulty level). I don’t begrudge game Devs for targeting limited audiences if that’s what they feel capable of, but I do massively respect the craftsmanship of being able to build a game that can serve a subjective 10 to a wide range of people, by having a range of difficulty settings.

I have an experience relating to game difficulty and accessibility that you would probably appreciate.

I was playing Rimworld for the first time, and because I was aware of how huge disasters that wipe out most of your work (that you can sometimes build back from) is a part of the game, I felt bad about playing the game on the mode that allows you to load earlier saves; I would find losing progress in this way more stressful than fun, so I wanted the ability to reverse poor fortune or choices, even if it felt like I was “dishonouring the intended experience”.

However, a friend (who was the reason I had bought Rimworld in the first place, and who enjoyed the chaos of no-save mode) pointed out that whilst the no-save mode may be presented as the default, the mode with saves enabled is presented as a perfectly valid way to enjoy the game. This made me feel immensely better about it, and I was able to dispel the silly guilt I was feeling. It highlighted to me the power of how we label difficulty settings and other accessibility settings.

Games are a funny medium.

I enjoyed using phyphox while on a plane recently. I found it fun to track the pressure and to see how it loosely corresponded to my own subjective experience of ascending vs descending.

I can’t recall any “useful” things I’ve used the app for, but I really enjoy having it — it makes me feel powerful. Like, it’s nice to think that if I did have some ideas of experiments to run, I could. It feels fitting to be able to access the sensors, because there are many ways in which our electronic devices nowadays aren’t (or don’t feel like) our own, so this feels like a small amount of clawing back power, even if I’m not using it for much.

You’re right, and thanks for checking me on that. On reflection, I said it was trite because I think I felt uncomfortable with the level of vulnerability I was feeling when writing that comment, so I tacked that onto the end. The vulnerability came from a place of “who am I to give advice when the advice I’m giving myself hardly feels sufficient, because my inner monologue is basically a screaming possum most of the time”. Lots of people are feeling similar, which is why I made my original comment in the first place.

I think a lot of us are struggling under the pressure about not knowing how to cope with this dreadful situation, and for me, that meant feeling like I needed to come up with the perfect words that would be useful for everyone who is struggling. It is sufficient for me to go “for me, this is a useful way to think (and other people may do also)”. It’s silly for me to dismiss myself as trite just because I feel like I am only valid if I have a Solution. As you highlight, this is a collaborative process, so muddling along together is how this goes.

“You can be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world, but some people just funny like peaches.”

“Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard”