“These are a bit shit!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4P1r9MgilA&t=81

keys on a ring I between your fingers

If you think this works, try it on a bag and report back.

Steel water bottle with one end narrowed to be a convenient handle –

A fat water bottle can’t be gripped. Bad handle = bad weapon –

I’ve heard the response of “just stop watching the news” or “don’t pay attention”, but that’s basically impossible.

It is not only possible, it’s simple.