I know you’re meaning that it’s so good you’ll never go back, but I’m hearing that you’ve handicapped yourself for public restrooms, lol.

Fancy Japanese bidet at a Hawaii resort, heated seats, temperature control, three speed blow dry, aiming modes—the works. It was horrible.

Smoked a dab, butt still wet, instructions unclear.

But what about the chapped butt? For real, the three times I’ve gotten to use one for more than a week (fancy ones in hotels), I end up feeling like a baby with diaper rash. I’d use triple the TP gladly just to avoid that feeling. I’m not someone who has that happen to them normally either, so it was definitely the bidets.

But then what is the drying strategy? That is my biggest problem.

£99 is going to run you 125 bucks and 79 cents.

Every time I’ve tried to use a bidet, I’ve hated it. The water feels uncomfortable and sudden, and then I feel like I either can’t get dry with toilet paper and get chapped later, or it breaks up from the water and leaves pieces everywhere. The air dry varieties seem to contribute to chapped butt too. I know some people use wash cloths, but frankly the idea of leaving butthole cloth out in the bathroom weirds me out also.

What is the secret to enjoying these things? Am I just too damn American for them?