Before we became parents the concept of “Mental Load” was largely theoretical as both of us were easily able to manage the everyday logistics of our own lives. With children coming into the equation everything suddenly becomes a juggling exercise - at least that was our experience.
I’ve read in several publications that the mental load or, to use a different wording, the organisation of everyday logistics is often predominantly done by women/mothers.
We try to share all tasks as evenly as possible. We both work approximately the same amount of time. We both earn similar wages. We share costs on a 50:50 basis. We both took the exact same amount of parental leave. However, the logistics of everyday life have, without even trying to aim for that, drifted more towards my wife.
How do you go about sharing this task? What kind of technical/IT solutions do you use to remain on the same page? Is it even necessary to share this task or are there others ways to “specialise” in certain areas of being a parent?
It’s important to identify the tasks you and your spouse do, and how you feel about them. Sharing the loaf works better if there are things your spouse does that you personally despise doing.
For example, I do all the shopping, cooking, working, and clean the kitchen. It’s a heavy load, but those are all things I don’t mind doing so it’s tolerable. My wife handles laundry, cleaning most of the rest of the home, meal planning, and does a higher proportion of the direct child care. She doesn’t mind those things nearly as much as she hates the tasks I do.
As one of us burns out from one task or other, we frequently check in and adjust. Sometimes I just can’t deal with the kitchen anymore and we order in takeout for a couple days. Sometimes she’s overwhelmed by chores and we tag team getting the obvious tasks done while the kid is napping.
For technology, AnyList has been a killer app. Being able to collaborate on meal planning and building shopping lists is amazingly useful.
I think the broader problem with mental labour is that men have typically been blind to many of the general maintenance tasks that women have silently done for generations, and this unspoken arrangement creates resentment. As long as you keep that in mind, it’s pretty easy to have conversations about it. Like other posters have said - make a list! Once you’ve written down all the things that have to happen to keep a household running, you can delegate them accordingly or at least make it highly visible as to who does what. It’s not necessarily wrong to have an imbalance, provided you’re both aware and honest about it.