World is an absolute shit show with no signs of improving, personal life just keeps turning upside down, everything makes me terminally tired. I am trying to remain positive and be a positive force for others. I do stuff to make me feel better, like art, take walks, talk to a therapist, grow plants, community work - and I do manage to squeeze a tiny happiness out of my activities but it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort. I try to connect with people and quite a few people actually seem to like me but socializing makes me feel exhausted. I catch myself thinking “Let the fucking war arrive and burn it all down” and that’s terrifying stuff to carry in one’s own head. I just feel I’m part of the overpopulation and that there’s no point of existing.
I have a kid and don’t want them to be sad because their crazy parent offed themselves and that’s all that keeps me going.
Those of you feeling like this: what keeps you going?
EDIT: Wow, this has been quite a day. Thanks for your answers and advice, it was so far the darkest day I found on my path and you really helped me through it! I’d like to send a virtual hug to all, especially those who seem to be struggling as much as I do and who stay around for the sake of their loved ones, or simply out of spite and anger. The heavy tension-inducing weather that was been brewing here all morning finally unloaded into an impressive thunderstorm with bucket loads of rain, and then a friend arrived telling me she was feeling quite the same way (the weather clearly didn’t help today!), and she inspired me to host a meeting I wanted to do since a long time, so I finally set up a date for it and announced it. So here we go again, despite or with the rage, the spite, the heavy heart. See you tomorrow, hopefully with some sun to try that ‘baking cookies in my car’ thing I just found in the shitposting community. At least there will be cookies to go with the doom tomorrow!
“Mom would be sad” was basically the only thought that carried me through my most suicidal years. So I guess it’d be “kid would be sad” for you. In any case fake it 'til you make it if all else fails, that was what they taught us in dialectical behavior therapy by the way of willingness & half-smile (or at least that is how I internalized it). Another thought that has been keeping me going since those suicidal years is “this too shall pass” with or without the additional “away” in the end, by which I have come to understand the transient nature of everything; the only constant is change, and it is inevitable. This combined with some personal growth in understanding of global geopolitical and economical concepts (straight up communism bro) has lead me to believe that better times are indeed coming, and although it may not be us alive right now who will be here to see those better days, we should not lose hope for the future. Someone once said that “wise men plant trees under whose shade they will never rest” or something, so I’d maybe encourage you to pick up again your hobbies that you listed: art, walks, talking, plant growing and community work and try to focus on what’s at hand, not what has been or could be or is somewhere else. You cannot affect any of those, so why worry about them?
I understand that the current global political and economical unrest is scary, but if it’s not currently threatening your life (or say your kid’s life) or stopping you from enjoying the things you are doing currently then it’s not really worth worrying about those, is it? I myself found help through DBT, it’s a long-form therapy used among others for emotional dysregulation disorders – like borderline personality disorder (that’s me!) – but it has many concept I believe should be in standard school curriculum globally, and the resources are available online as well as in print.
In any case, I hope the best for you. Raising children in the current global situation is no doubt incredibly anxiety inducing, and though it is good to stay strong for your children, it isn’t advisable to suffer because of your children so to say. It is good that you evidently know how to ask for help, and probably are capable to receive it.
Thank you for your thorough reply, I’ve been checking the DBT page and there’s a lot of good stuff there!
It’s funny that for me the transient nature of everything is as much comfort as it is reason for concern and discomfort - I’ve always wanted some kind of ‘static’ situation or find ‘the right way of understanding life’, and it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that everything changes all the time, that there never will be a standstill, or arrival at some final truth, or a place where one can rest and trust everything will always stay the same. I guess this desire for things to ‘stay the same’ is also part of the autism, I call it ‘sticky thoughts’. I’m still learning to embrace that everything is and always will be moving and I slowly ease into just being more curious and feeling comfortable with letting stuff happen and not panic about it.