19 (f) and a virgin. I was getting really turned on by what he was doing. Then he stuck his finger up there, not fast, and he let me know before he did it but I screamed stop because both the pressure and the pain was too much. he got it up by about an inch or less at that point. I’ve practiced myself and the same thing happens. it feels like someone putting a finger down your throat and then pushing at a right angle against the wall of your throat. this is not a good type of feeling to me. i cannot imagine anything else going there. is sex just one of those things women pretend to like and that’s what the women screaming during sex is about they’re screaming in pain? is there some kind of numbing gel or medication that every other woman uses that i never knew about or something? what am i missing here?
Hey. Just a quick anatomy check here. A lot of women and other vulva havers have never actually gotten a mirror and image out and mapped their parts to their names. In some cases people have been mistaken, trying to push things inside their eurethra rather than their vagina. This can cause a lot of pain and does not generally result in sexual enjoyment.
Secondly, mechanically, this is supposed to be a fairly wet process. Dry fingers are really good for causing damage, but absolutely terrible for pleasure. They can cause abraisions in the soft tissue and even draw blood without any malice or significant force. Try using a lot, and I mean what feels like too much and then some, water based lubricant. I would recommend KY as a great starter as it is more jelly like than many others and lasts a bit longer.
Remember, if choosing between more lube and less more is always safer, more comfortable, and lower risk. It doesn’t reduce sensation, it increases it, so making sure everything is wet is important.
Water is not lubricant. Water removes all the gel features of lubricants and will dilute and wash away water based lubricants. Silicone lubricants are water resistant and can be used vaginally, but generally people find water based lubricants more comfortable and enjoyable for vaginal penetration.
Also, spend time yourself with the lubricants and a small dildo. Get to know how it feels on your own. A partner is fun, but learn singleplayer before joining a multiplayer game, you need to know what works because your partner can’t feel how it feels for you, it isn’t their body, they need your feedback. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own body, it is natural and healthy and really enhances partner play as well. I guarantee you if you are with a male partner he knows a lot about what his junk needs, so it is a good idea to get that understanding for your own bits.
Great comment! Just wanted to pop in as a straight guy and second that it’s very helpful when a partner has things they know they like and can communicate what’s working, what’s not, and what could be better.
But… teen boys kinda suck, and honestly some guys never grow out of it. Remember that they’re nervous and uncertain too, and sometimes that fragile state can receive a suggestion as “telling them what to do”, and can trigger a pride response. It’s not pretty, but it’s not uncommon.
I’m not telling you to lie to them, but sometimes phrasing something as “mmm that’s good. More to the left. Yeah that” can feel more collaborative, like we’re playing on the same team, than simple “do it on the left” or something that sounds more like a cold command. That can sometimes be received as “you suck, you’re fucking this up, just do it right”.
Other potential avenues are “unh that feels so good, ooh let’s try X!” or “hmm… I wonder if X would be good!” to change directions or “okay… wow, you’re going to need to give that a minute” to have them stop something without it necessarily feeling like a stop stop. Obviously if you need a quick stop, you can just say stop.
Or if it fits the mood, even just asking “please go faster”, “please pinch my nipples”, etc can be fun, because it makes it a request he fulfills rather than an order he obeys.
In the end, he probably wants to be good at this, so communicating not just the problem, but emphasizing the success can also be important. “Slower, slower, slower… yes that, oh fuck that, now side to side, oh shit shit shit”
This not only corrects the bad behaviour, but rewards and reinforces the right thing when we get there. And again, it makes them feel like they’re doing well, like they’re giving you something you like, and that we’re aligned and working together on this project.
Oh and also that having been said don’t be too rigid either. You know some things that feel good for you on your own, but some things feel better when someone else does them. And some things take a bit to warm up. And some things are maybe a bit intense at the start, but just right towards the end, whereas some things are good early on and boring later. Hold firm boundaries on the things that are most important, but other than that give him a chance to try some stuff! If it doesn’t work, you can nudge, but it helps him feel like he’s also part of this and not just a sex robot.
Unless he’s into that… 😉
You got a lot of life and exploration ahead of you. Go slowly and safely, communication is key and you will be fine. I would suggest consulting with a gynecologist though. Also to answer your question.
Only about 18% of women report reaching orgasm from vaginal penetration without any additional clitoral stimulation.
Roughly 36% of women can orgasm during penetration if their clitoris is stimulated at the same time.
Up to 80% of women require clitoral stimulation (either alone or combined with penetration) as their most reliable route to orgasm.
This is a absolutely true but I think it’s important to note given the context that there’s a wide gap between “not orgasming” and the pain OP was describing. 80% of women not orgasming from vaginal penetration alone does not equal 80% of women experience pain from sex instead.
Also, many women enjoy vaginal penetration as a fun and pleasurable experience, even if it’s not an experience that leads to orgasm on its own.
I’m sure the person I’m replying to knows this, but given that this post is about a confused and frustrated person, I don’t want them to see this 80% statistic and think the takeaway is “sex is bad for 80% of women”
Very true, I figured they’ve already gotten that from the plethora of other comments but yeah no harm in keeping it less vague. No pleasure or less pleasure doesn’t mean pain or pressure. Also the 80% is 80% of women consistently having pleasure not 80% not having pleasure. Absolutely having no pleasure from anything would be not unheard of but pretty uncommon.
No, sex should not hurt. Does it hurt when you put in a tampon?
A couple of things to think about. One, yes the skin can be too tight, that can ease with time. Two, if you are not warmed up and turned on, you won’t have a good time. Lube does not substitute for arousal, arousal makes room and slip, lube only makes slip. Three, penetrative sex has always felt good not bad to me but only started feeling Really Good after I’d had kids and wasn’t so tight structurally.
Maybe for now do things that don’t involve penetration, and talk to your GYN - you should do that before having sex anyway, to discuss birth control, etc.
No. It doesn’t hurt. It’s not pain for most of us… i hope! Not for me.
Look into vaginismus, it’s fairly common and way too many women suffer because they don’t know about it.
This was my immediate thought too.
OP - it’s not that uncommon, and is totally treatable.
It’s just some muscles involuntary tensing up as a result of something going inside (or sometimes even the idea). Unfortunately, because it’s an involuntary reflex, you can’t “just relax” it away. It’s just something your body needs to unlearn.
Talk to your doctor, follow their advice.
For what it’s worth, both of the people I knew who had it when they were younger, once it was sorted, it stayed sorted.
What are the treatments?
Mostly dilators and such, but please seek medical advice from real doctors and not a forum.
There’s a few things that can affect vaginismus.
I was about to say this. I remember a story about from the olden days of reddit where a woman had the issue and didn’t realize it till her late 20s or so. She just thought sex is supposed to be painful until a new partner came along. I think they got into other forms of sexual play and not just PIV, but to each there own.
Like others have said talk to a gyno. You should not be in pain. They will be able to help you sort out what’s going so you can enjoy intimacy.
Try talking to your gynecologist about this issue (and possibly to a couple other gynecologists after that!)
Definitely talk to your gynecologist. It could be vaginismus or something like that.
Yeah, definitely talk to a gyno before you try to put a thunderfist up there
Please go and see a doctor about this. You may have a medical condition (endometriosis or other) that makes penetrative sex extremely painful.
That does not mean you cannot enjoy sex, but it is important to get clarity on this before you do anything else.
I can assure you, the screaming you think of is not because of pain but intense pleasure. Any (ANY!) pain during sexual contact is a reason to stop immediately (unless it’s intentional and with consent by all involved, of course). As others have said, what you’re experiencing is not how it’s supposed to be and you need to consult a doctor to find out what’s happening.
Edit: oh and no, screaming isn’t how all women express pleasure during sex either. There’s an ocean of ways to enjoy sex and all that’s certain is that (unwanted) pain is not normal.
My first attempts were so painful that I stopped the situations. It was frustrating. I was a crazy teenager, so my amazing plan was to “fix” that problem myself with an object. It worked, I never felt pain again, but it’s definitely not the recommended thing to do… I agree with the rest of the comments: go see a doctor.
Edit: In case it wasn’t clear, my problem was probably my hymen, but my method is not the correct approach. Visit a gyno.
I think you should definitely see your doctor about that
Now you got lots of important medical advice that I think you should listen to. Also, you should really try to masterbate to see what you like. Try to focus on your clitoris and what’s external that gets you turned on before trying internal again. Something like 70+% of women can’t come from penetration alone.
You need to become the expert on what you like. Maybe try some porn or audio erotica ([Dipsea])(https://www.dipseastories.com/). Maybe get a vibrator (not an insertion toy yet) from a good sex toy shop. (Smitten Kitten, Babeland or anything that uses the words feminist, queer friendly or women’s owned). If you want to learn more about sex, consent, pleasure, kink or relationships I love Dan Savage content. He’s been doing it for decades and has great advice about all of this. Don’t rely on your partner to know what to do. He is an expert on himself and you are learning either. Good luck
Amazing recommendations! Just wanted to co-sign this entire comment, really great advice.
Thank you. I am channeling my inner Dan Savage
He’s my favorite sex advice columnist ever! Good guy to channel lol
I’ve learned a lot from his column and podcast over the years. I think I started reading his column in the back of the physical copies of The Onion over a decade ago. Really changed by relationships and worldview for the better. Highly recommend for anyone and everyone
No, that should really not be your experience. I can only echo what others say: talk to your doctor. If you think about that your vagina should be capable of giving birth as a absolute maximum, an inch of a single finger should not hurt at all if you are turned on and your partners fingernails aren’t an issue. Don’t be ashamed - i’ve met multiple women who had issues like that and were able to overcome them with medical help, and if your partner is worth the trouble, he will be supporting you because he wants you to enjoy sex too.
Even women without an medical issue need time for their body to catch up to the mental readiness. What you see in most porn is totally incorrect. If all is okay, 15-30 minutes of foreplay (on the rest of her body, touch is a huge thing) is best before any actual sexual action. There are some good Youtube channels that cover how to prepare a woman’s body, with the key elements being lots of touching all over, and not rushing into it. The human female body has to be convinced it is safe and secure, even if you feel turned on, but once the parts are relaxed, sex is not painful at all.
That being said, a lot of the other comments seem to pinpoint one direction to talk to a doctor about. If even your own touching hurts, something isn’t right. But once you figure that out, teach your partner to help you get both mentally and physically ready and take time to enjoy it.
Yes some do sometimes, but talk to your gyno: That’s something they can probably help you with.
