Probably undiagnosed mental illness. I spent 30+ years as a round peg trying to fit in a square hole, until I realized one day that the way I like to be is fine and I should enjoy an existence that fits me.

My dad sketched while I was a kid and I liked how it looked so I tried to copy it. Ever since then, I’ve been drawing and I love it

Trauma 🙂

Education, martial arts training, books, and video games.

it’s hard to tell whether it’s autism or severe childhood social neglect. I think it’s both.

A lifetime of neglect surrounded by people who told me they were only neglecting me because that was the kind of love that I needed.

It’s two-sided.

On one hand, I was raised by a forest ranger to hunt and fish and camp, spent my childhood in the boy scouts learning all that stuff, and brought up in strict, yet community-oriented religion.

On the other hand, I spent every other waking moment on the computer. I was essentially raised by the web circa 1995-2004. I was exposed to so many different viewpoints then. The web wasn’t nearly as insular then as it is now. You’d have forums where everyone spoke to each other. I learned to question my religion and eventually found my way out. I rejected all the right-leaning beliefs I was raised to have.

And yet, I wouldn’t trade that first part of my childhood, because it was genuinely a nice childhood. I saw what real community can be, something that I now lack. I picked up a thing or two about how to be a moral and capable person along the way. And gained lifelong friendships.

I jerk off and smoke weed way to much

We are all made of stardust.

growing up in a poor shitty down full of assholes, and being smart and driven enough to get myself out of there.

and now i am middle aged and while in my 20s and early 30s people thought what I did was positive, now people I meet hold it against me in the worst way. It’s so fucking weird, but I guess as people age they basically revert to being judgemental weirdos who think your family/birthplace is the single determining factor of who you are. the amount of nastiness people direct towards me when they find out how I grew up is shocking and disgusting and vile.

I also went to a famous university and the whiplash you get from how people react to that vs my birthplace is just… well basically it makes you a total misanthrope because people are so awful about it. It’s very rare I meet anyone who doesn’t give a shit about either of those things about me, and those are the people I actually enjoy interacting with.

personally i thought i lived the american dream, but man other people are very very hostile to you, especially because I guess I went from rags to merely middle class, not riches.

SNRIs

Insatiable curiosity about everything and a keen awareness of my limited lifespan.

Autism & being lonely

Most of the choices I’ve made in life have been in reaction to what I don’t want, rather than what I do want.

I don’t want to burn myself out in high school, so I stop taking dual-credit classes my senior year. Then, I don’t want to take on student loan debt, so I forget about college entirely. Trade school, it is. But thanks to some physical handicaps, I don’t have the body for most blue-collar work. But I can drive a truck. And after bouncing around from one trucking company to another, I learn I don’t like hauling reefers or flatbeds. I don’t like being “over the road”, living in a truck full-time. But I don’t care for “local” trucking either, not with how far I have to commute into the big city.

That’s just one path, one example. I’ve got others.

Sometimes it’s hard, figuring out the things in life I do want, beyond short-term crap, like what toppings I want on my pizza. I like writing. I love driving, in nearly all its forms, especially racing. I’ve always got music playing, the cab of my truck doubles as a karaoke booth. The coworker who watches my dashcam videos says I’m not a bad singer. Whether I do anything with this other information, it’s anyone’s guess.

Determination to be a better parent than my parents forced me to process a lot, started an arc returning to my true self.